The Monster I've Become
by Olympic1340
Summary: Takes place during New Moon. Bella struggles with depression after Edward leaves her. *Warning* Rated M for self injury and talk of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

I look down at my wrist, blood pooling up where the fresh cut overlaps the many partially healed ones. I'm fascinated by the blood, the color, the smell, the way it seeps from my body. It holds my attention the way nothing else can these days. Not even Jake.

I don't know how I could have made it through the past few months with out Jacob, but not even he can give me this peace. When I'm with him the pain is bearable. Everything thing that has been closing in on me is held off, like he is casting a protective bubble, cushioning me from the worst of it. When he is gone so is the bubble and I am in pure hell. Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe, to think, to feel, to be alive. Everything reminds me of Edward, the sun, the rain, the clouds, the air. School is absolute torture. I can't stand to be around my classmates and teachers. If I could drop out, I would. The only thing keeping me there is the thought of Charlie sending me away. If he makes me leave, I will die. I'm not saying that I will kill myself, but I know that if I have to leave this place, the last connection I have to him, I wouldn't survive.

I watch my blood as it beads up on the back of my wrist and feel the absolute panic that has been pressing in on me since I left La Push vanish. This is one comfort I have. It is mine and no-one can take it away. I know that I am breaking my promise, but I don't care, in fact I relish it. I'm not sure why this feels so good to me. Everything else causes me pain, even Jacob in some ways. But cutting myself, that is the only thing that feels remotely good. Spending time with Jake feels like a betrayl. Everything about me belongs to Edward, even if he doesn't want me any more, and I can't get past that. Jacob has been very good to me, much better than I deserve, but he wants more than friendship. Even though I can't give him more than friendship, I keep going back, hurting both of us; Jake by letting him think there is a possibility for more and me by betraying my love for Edward. I let Jake put his arm around me, hold my hand, comfort me, take care of me… It's wrong! It would be better for both of us if I leave La Push and never go back, but I can't. I feel trapped. I hate what I am doing to Jacob, Charlie, Renee and my friends, but I can't stop. Mostly I hate myself for being so weak, so ordinary, so human that Edward can't love me, that I am not good enough to be in his life. Just as a drop of blood threatens to spill from my arm I bend my face to my arm and lick until there is only a faint line of red left as the cut slowly fills back up with blood. My blood.

What am I doing? What have I become? It's so ironic! Six months ago, I was a human that was terrified of needles, fainted at the smell of blood, and dreamed of becoming an immortal vampire that would refuse to drink human blood. Now I am the "wishing I was dead" human, who carries around a razor blade, and whose only peace comes from cutting her own flesh and drinking her own blood. Maybe this new me would have been more appealing to Edward, a little less human, a little less fragile, a little less ordinary…. No, I know better than that. Edward may not love me, but he never would want to see me hurt myself. If he doesn't like the monster that he is, he would be disgusted by the monster I have become. I am.

I know I am seriously depressed. Beyond depressed. Suicidal? I can't say that the thought has never crossed my mind, but this is more about my way of living this "non life". I go through the motions everyday, but I'm already dead inside. Maybe I am just waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of me. I probably won't run my truck in to a tree or steal Charlie's gun and shoot myself, but I am certainly putting myself in to enough dangerous situations that one day, something will happen. Heck any day now Victoria could slip past Jake's pack and finish me off. I really don't want that to happen though. I couldn't stand the thought that a vampire, one of Edward's kind (even if she doesn't share his diet), would be the thing that kills me, the last thing that I ever see. But being this monster, as sick as it is… it's what's kept me alive.

If anyone ever finds out what I am doing, I know they will send me to that hospital Dr. Gerandy was telling Charlie about a few months ago. But my secret is fairly easy to hide. Nobody looks to closely at me anymore except for Charlie and Jacob, and they tend to see only what they want to see. My watch covers up the never healed wounds on my wrist and the cool Forks weather comes in handy because long sleeve shirts are now a necessity. Cutting has become everything to me lately. It has the opposite effect on me as the dangerous situations I put myself in. One allows me to hear Edward's voice, to feel the concern in it, the other allows me to hear and feel absolutely nothing…… and that is so much better than the constant agony that I have felt every minute since Edward left. Noticing that it is almost 3am, I hook my watch back on my wrist and then hide my razor blade deep inside my pillow case where Charlie will never find it. Before turning the light off I grab my pen and cross out one more day on the calander beside my bed. I made it through one more day without Edward.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning this story is rated M for talk of suicide and self-injury, if that's not your thing, don't read this! Twilight and all of it's characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

I walked down First beach until I found our log. I half expected to find Jacob waiting there for me, but he was out tracking Victoria. I sighed. I honestly don't know if I can make it one more day, at least not another day like this one.

I had been hoping to hear Edwards voice today, I needed to hear it. But instead of going cliff diving with Jake like I was supposed to, I was stuck here by myself waiting for news. It was bad enough that I didn't get to hear Edward, but on top of that I didn't have Jacob to help ease my pain.

I was going crazy with worry for him and his pack. I didn't want them anywhere near Victoria. If anything happened to them it would be my fault. Then a terrible thought paralyzed me. What if something did happen to Jacob? I would be all alone. I couldn't loose my sun too. I gasped, my breath coming in great, uneven sobs. Stop, calm down, I told myself, but I couldn't. I reached in to the pockets of my jeans, knowing what I needed to do. My body relaxed slightly at the feel and sight of my razor. I pushed up the sleeve of my sweatshirt and found the place I wanted.

My hand went to work, slowly and deliberately cutting in to my skin. My labored breathing eased a little each time the blade pressed to me. After several minutes I pulled my hand away to inspect my work. _**Edward. **_It stood out from the other lines and words that had been etched there. Every time I went over his name the scar became bigger, darker. This one would probably always be visible.

_**Edward**_. Why was I thinking of him when it was Jacob who was out risking his life for me. He had been risking his life for months and yet all I could think of was Edward. Jacob wants me, he loves me. I know he does, and I do care for him too. So why can't I get over Edward. He doesn't love me. He left me. He's off chasing his distractions and I'm here hurting everyone, especially Jacob. Anger coursed through me. God I am so pathetic. Why would anyone love me? "I hate you!" I screamed. This time when I took the razor to my arm I was not careful. I was full of anger. Crying, I tore the razor across my skin. Blood welled up on my arm and I wiped it away angrily. I looked at the new words I had roughly carved. _**I hate you**_! It was true, I hated myself. I couldn't do this anymore.

The cutting was not enough. I needed something more, but what. I looked around me for something that would help take this pain away. In the distance I saw the cliff that Jacob and I were supposed to visit today. Suddenly I didn't care if Jacob were here or not. I was going to jump off that cliff, and not the lower one that Jake was planning on taking me to, but the high one I had seen Sam and the others jump from so long ago. Nothing could stop me

I ran to my truck and took off. When I reached the path to the cliff , I jumped out, not even bothering to turn off my truck or move it to the side of the road, it didn't matter. I paused as I reached the edge of the cliff and looked over to rocky embankment to the churning waters below. It didn't frighten me, it thrilled me. I took a few steps back to get a running start. That's when I heard him "_Bella"_ he warned.

"Yes", I answered, a small smile spread across my face.

"_Don't do this" _he pleaded.

I listened to my angel plead with me, but it wansn't going to slow me down. "You wanted me to be human, well watch me." A twisted smile crept to my face. I ran for the edge and pushed out as far as I could go.

"_Bella!"_ the sweet voice called in panic.

"Don't worry Edward, I'll feel better now." It seemed to take forever to reach the water below but I didn't care since I was looking at my angel's face. My body crashed heavily into the cold water. The momentum from the fall dragged me far below the water's surface. I was momentarily confused, my body hurt every where. Panic started to sink in, then I saw his face again. I smiled. This is what I wanted. I started to relax.

Edward pleaded with me. "_Bella, please don't give up. Don't you dare. You promised."_

I smiled, "I love you, Edward." I would not struggle. What was the point. This was what I had been after. There would be no more pain, no more misery. I was at peace.

It was warm here, comfortable. Death really wasn't such a bad thing. I shifted slightly and was hit with a wave of pain. What was that? Was it my arm or my leg? It seemed to be everything. Everything hurt! Wait, there wasn't supposed to be pain.

I opened my eyes and tried to sit up. Something was holding me down, no, someone. Jacob. Wait. "I'm not dead." I groaned. Disappointment hit me like a ton of bricks, crushing me. I sobbed and tried to shove Jacob off of me. My struggles seemed to wake him.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

"It's not supposed to be like this," I cried. "What happened?"

Jake took a steadying breath, "You tried to go cliff diving without me. I guess you didn't realize how dangerous the water was, with the storm brewing…" he trailed off.

"But I was drowning… the water pulled me under and then I passed out."

"I went looking for you at the beach and saw you jump. I pulled you out. Bella, why would you jump from the top? I told you it was too dangerous."

I ignored his question. "How long have I been asleep?"

"I don't know, about 4 hours. You were really worn out. I was almost too late."

I wish you were, I thought to myself. I struggled to get up, my body ached everywhere. "Are you okay?" Jacob asked again, helping me to my feet.

"I'm fine," I lied. "Just a little cold and wet."

"I should get you home," he offered.

"Yeah Charlie is probably wondering where I am."

"Bella," Jacob's face turned from disappointment to sorrow. "You should know that Harry Clearwater is in the hospital. He had a heart attack and it doesn't look good."

"Oh no," I cried. I thought about his wife and kids, they were so young, and Charlie, what would this do to him.

"Does Charlie know?" I asked as tears started to fill my eyes.

"He's at the hospital now."

I couldn't take any more. My chest hurt, I felt like I was falling apart. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold it all in, but it didn't help. Jacob pulled me to him and wrapped his beg arms around my body.

"It'll be okay, Bella. We'll get through this, I'll take care of you." He tightened his hold on me. "Everything will be better once I catch that blood sucker. I won't be so tired and you won't have to spend so much time alone. We can be together." He raised his hand up to my face, softly brushing away the tears. His hand dropped to my chin pulling it up to face him. "Bella, I love you." He leaned in then, a tentative look on his face.

Oh no, he was going to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. Should I let him? Maybe this is what I need to move on. But I love Edward, I argued with myself. Jacob was closing in on me and I still hadn't made my decision. If I stop him, it will hurt him and I have already hurt him enough, but would this hurt me. I decided it didn't matter, I wouldn't hurt him anymore, and just maybe it would help me. I relaxed a little, accepting that this was going to happen. I closed my eyes as his warm, sweet breath enveloped my face, unable to believe I was letting this happen.

Just as Jacob was about to press his lips to mine, he pulled away. I blinked wondering what he was doing. Did he change his mind? As I stared at him trying to understand, the front door opened. Sam pushed Billy in through the door. One look at their faces told us what we needed to know. Harry had passed away.

Billy, his face covered in tears, went straight to his room without saying a word. It was hard to see him so upset. I wished that there was something I could do to help ease his pain, but there wasn't. The grieving process just takes time.

Jacob drove me home so I could be there when Charlie got in. I didn't want him to come home to an empty house. He hugged me tightly to his side like he was afraid to let me go. We pulled up outside of my house. "Bella, with all that happened I forgot to tell you, Victoria got away. I'm sorry. We were so close this time." He squeezed me a little tighter.

"It's okay, Jake." I tried to comfort him.

"No, it's not. We can't have a normal life until she's gone," he growled.

Yeah, like I could ever have a normal life again. "I had better get inside and change before Charlie gets here," I said, looking at my clothes. He had enough to deal with, I didn't want him worrying about me too.

Jacob opened his door to get out and froze. His face twisted in to a mask of fury. "There's a blood sucker in your house!"

"Victoria!" I gasped.

"No, it's not her. It's a different scent," he said with a look of revulsion on his face.

I looked around and spotted a black Mercedes with tinted windows parked out on the street. "Oh," I jumped in surprise, reaching for the door. Jacob grabbed my arm before I could get out.

"What are you doing? Are you crazy?"

"Jake, let me go. It's okay. That's Carlisle's car. I'd know it anywhere." I tried pulling away from him, but he held tight.

"So what? What business does he have here. Let's get out of here and I'll cal the others. We'll get rid of him, for good!" he spat.

A look of horror crossed my face. "No, you can't do that! I won't let you. You'd be breaking the treaty," I threw at him.

"I don't care about the treaty, Bella. I care about you. They have put you through so much already and then just left you to deal with Victoria on your own. They don't care about you. I won't let them hurt you again!"

"Jacob, it's not your decision to make, it's mine. I will be okay. They would never hurt me." His grip on my arm tightened as my words failed to sway him.

"They already have and you can't even see it!" he spat at me.

"Jake, I need to go in and see them. This is what I have wanted more than anything," I pleaded. Jacob's face contorted with pain at my words and he released my arm.

"Fine. Go to your filthy bloodsuckers.! I need to get back to the others anyway. This changes everything."

I didn't want to hurt him. "I'm sorry Jake," I tried. I truly was sorry, for everything.

"Just go Bella."

I climbed out and took one last look at Jacob. His face was filled with sorrow and anger. I had never seen him look so angry. Remembering the reason for his pain I turned to the house. The day I had been waiting for, for so long, was finally here. I took a deep breath and opened the front door.

**This is my first fan fic, so I would appreciate some reviews. Let me know if you want me to keep writting.**


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